Your Guide On How To Ace Blogger's School
*In this case, Dad is Dave Portnoy, which is pretty much the case for all things Barstool anyway*
So as most people know, today was Blogger School.
Dave rightly thought it was necessary to give us all a refresher on jobs we have held for years after a few viral moments went unblogged. We pretty much learned if you see something, blog something, don’t get sued, and don’t write headlines like Greenie or Reags. It was actually just a Greenie and Reags roast, which to be fair is only because every other blog we publish these days is usually written by two of the hardest workers Barstool has.
Anyway, I had a few tips to pass along to anyone else that may be attending a Blogger School at their company since I hadn’t been in a classroom in more than a decade.
1. Wear glasses
Pretty much Day 1 stuff if you are trying to look smart. Look at me without glasses:
What do you think of when you see that face? Fat, ugly, definitely sleep deprived blogger.
Now lets throw on the glasses:
Now that is a fat, ugly, but likely intelligent and thoughtful blogger that may not be sleep deprived because the glasses hide the bags under the eyes a little bit! Huuuuuge difference. Did you know that nobody wearing glasses has ever gotten a failing grade? It sounds crazy but it’s true, like that stat about Patrick Maholmes being the first Big 12 quarterback to ever win an NFL playoff game.
2. Make friends with the smart people in class
Since all of the smart people at Barstool sit on the second floor, none of them were at Blogger School. So I decided to pivot and make friends with the most successful people.
I told Big Cat how great his Stone Cold Steve Austin jumpsuit was.
I also hugged Feits when he was sitting down, smiled at KMarko, and gave KFC an pound + hug combo. I also said good morning to Dave, but he either didn’t hear me or ignored me. I’m not sure. Oh yeah, Francis is smart and I hugged him. So I was in tight with the best and brightest at the Stool, which would come in clutch if there were any group projects (there weren’t).
3. Raise your hand and ask/answer questions
Nothing lets the teacher know you are trying and paying attention better than raising your hand to participate in the conversation. I really didn’t add much to the discussion. But Dave knew I was at Blogger School because I raised my hand, which will probably keep me off his radar for hopefully at least another 5 years, which is pretty much my only goal at Barstool.
Also never ever be the person to remind your teacher that they forgot to give homework. That will get you killed.
4. Talk about being old, married and/or having kids
Anybody who has ever been in a college class with an Old that went back to school knows that these people always get a little extra leeway because they have real problems to worry about instead of just fake school problems. This morning I woke up at 1:30 am to put my 4-year-old daughter back to sleep, woke up at 4 am when my 9-month old son was crying, and commuted 2 hours into the city to be taught about a job I’ve been doing for 5 years. Meanwhile, I guarantee more than 75% of the “class” fell asleep watching Netflix at 2 am, woke up when their alarm went off, and strolled in Blogger School without a care in the fucking world. The mere thought of how easy all of these peoples lives are while I grind out blogs to put food in my kids mouths and support my likely underwhelmed wife is making me angry. Lets move on to the next tip.
5. Sit near the teacher’s pet
This is a little bit of a next level strategy, but every teacher has someone they love more than others. And if you sit near that person, you will be in the love halo coming off of their pet. I sat near Tommy despite him being sick because I knew Dave couldn’t yell at me for anything if Tommy was in his line of vision because I think seeing Tommy still gives Dave butterflies in his stomach. To be honest, I’m really proud of this strategy and wish I had thought of it back when I was actually in school.
Final Grade: A+ for me. All the other slackers get a C. Follow these very specific steps and you too will ace Blogger School. Or be really funny and grind your ass off like Dave, Big Cat, KFC, and KMarko did and you will be gucci.